As many of you are aware two weeks ago I was competing as a finalist to be the next #Mamavation weight-loss mom. The two winners were chosen based on the number of supporting votes they were able to amass over the course of the week. The winners were announced last Monday night. I didn’t make it. When I wasn’t announced as a winner I have to tell you the truth I felt sick to my stomach. I was ashamed and embarrassed, because I felt as though I had let people down by not being popular enough to pull in the votes necessary to claim the prize. I felt particularly exposed having stripped, literally, for the qualifying post. Laying bare the truth about my weight and measurements for all the world to see. I felt foolish for even believing that I could triumph in the first place. I wanted to hide, but there was no place to run to in my home, or in the webisphere. So instead I went into stealth mode, comforting those around me who were disappointed by my loss. It’s what I do. I comfort, I lead, I cheer, I encourage and I inspire other people, but not always so much for myself. That in part was what I was hoping to change even more than my weight with the #mamavation campaign. Not many people really knew that I know.
Not surprising as I give good face and keep troubles close to the vest. However, those very close to me know that the last two years have been a very difficult time for me personally. My understanding of my present shattered, and my image of my future erased. My faith in myself, in my choices, and in my decision making ability have been in flux. Through it all I have given good face, because that is not only what I do, but the type of person I have trained myself to be. But the heart of the matter, the real me and what that “me” needs, well, that has been alluding me. But I have to pull myself up from below the water line and make my personal needs a priority not just for me, but for my children. I have come to realize that in order to be the mother I have always wanted to be I need to be better to myself, showing my kids that you don’t have to lose or sacrifice yourself to be a good person and mother. To say that this has been a difficult change for me is a massive understatement, especially all the while trying to maintain myself as the strong, dependable, problem solving person most people not only expect me to be, but depend on me to be. A huge undertaking, especially alone. But am I alone?
Sometimes we wonder if anyone really gets us. We all have these moments of doubt every now and again. (I have been struggling with these very doubts for a little while now, despite my public face.) But then, if we are lucky a friend steps forward to remind us that we are not only seen and heard, but loved and supported.
Here’s a comment from my friend Jeff that he posted on the Mamavation campaign voting page:
I am throwing my support behind Miss Lori, all the way from New York. She is an inspiration to so many people and a great friend. Lori is present for all her friends and family when they are in need, not matter the miles, the time or the need. It is time she PAID herself back with some TLC. Good Luck Lori, you are motivation to the MAMAs, PAPAs as well as the Brothers and Sisters.
Contrary to face value there was actually more than one way to win last Monday night during the Mamavation campaign. Though I didn’t win the chance to have a team guide me, and ultimately propel me through my journey of weightloss, I still won something possibly even more important. I won a little confidence in me. The kind of confidence that comes from knowing you have good people in your corner. People who get who you are and love you for it, inspite of it, or both.
After much soul searching I realize that I am not comfortable at this point to to participate in the Move It or Lose it Challenge, the secondary competition in the #Mamavation series. For it I would need to report weekly about my gains and losses in my weight struggle. The truth is I don’t think lbs and inches are going to be the true measure of success for this particular solo journey that I am on right now. Nonetheless, I am still committed to the Mamavation Sistahood, for through them, and the rest of the members of my social media community, I have found support, kindness and understanding. Their example is gently, and sometimes forcefully, moving me in the direction of loving myself for who I am, who I was, and who I hope to be.
Though I may be on a journey of self-discovery I am in no way alone. Many of you reminded me of that last week, and to all I say thank you from the bottom of my heart.
SMILE On!
ML
Miss Lori can be found Musing from her Minivan at MissLori.TV , Wearetherealdeal.com , YoungChicagonista , ChicagoMomsBlog , and ChicagoMoms.com. You can also see her Activating to Be Great at Miss Lori’s CAMPUS on Youtube, Facebook, Twitter and LinkedIn.
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